Proud (and worried) Mamá

My daughter will be leaving to college very soon, in a few months. Am I excited? Definitely. Am I a proud mom telling everybody about my daughter’s college search? Of course. And am I scared? Absolutely.

I am most definitely scared, nervous, anxious, for so many reasons. There are so many dangers out there, she’s never been on her own and I have no idea how she’ll survive without me! Who am I kidding? I wish she felt that way, but she doesn’t. She feels  like she could do it all on her own – no problem.

But me, I keep thinking about all the horrible things that could happen. They’re so horrible I don’t even want to write them. Maybe I watch too much news, and I don’t even have TV service. It’s just all the stuff that we hear, on the radio, on the internet, and from everybody else who does have TV service. When those thoughts come to my mind I try to shoo them away, sometimes it’s easy, sometimes they just won’t go away and I end up in a bad mood. Either way, I have to let her go and trust that she’ll be just fine.

She’s a very smart girl (of course, every mom says that but she really is) and she has a lot of great plans for herself and I have no doubt that she’ll work very hard to accomplish them but still there’s the world out there and not everything is always pink and rosy. Still, I try to trust and have faith.

She’s doing something I never did, instead I graduated from high school with a 8-month pregnant belly. That was her in there and I can’t even remember what I felt that day of graduation. It was somewhere between pride (for not having dropped out like most pregnant girls did) and shame (for not going off to college like most normal girls did).

When she was born I cried, I don’t remember exactly why but I think it was just a mixture of all my emotions. Giving birth was this strange and beautiful miracle and I couldn’t believe little old insignificant me had brought this little amazing miracle into the world. I didn’t even know what that meant exactly. What it was I was going to have to go through. I really really had no idea. I was still a girl myself and I wasn’t even thinking about all the responsibilities and hard moments this little girl would bring into my life.

I did the best I could, I did all the things I promised myself I would do when I was a mom. Most of all, I promised myself, I would not be like my mom. And I failed, a lot. Many times I was exactly like my mom and many times I wasn’t but still I was wrong so many times. But I loved my little girl with all my heart and all I wanted was for her to have a beautiful and happy life. I wanted her to be strong and confident, not like me, I would tell myself.

Funny thing is, now that I like myself and wouldn’t mind my daughter being a little like me, she wants to be the complete opposite. But that’s what teenagers do isn’t it?

So now, fast forward seventeen years and I have a little girl who is about to leave to college and I couldn’t be prouder.

Maybe I (and my husband) did do something right. Maybe it wasn’t even our doing, maybe that’s just the way she was born, I was just the lucky one to give birth to her. Whatever the case, I am so very proud of her.

I already know I’m going to cry the day she graduates and then the day she leaves to college just the way I cried the day she was born.


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