Okay so, I’ve been gone. I had promised not long ago that I would start the blog again. Surprisingly, I’m feeling pretty good today, considering I just went through my first round of chemotherapy. Honestly I wasn’t feeling afraid, I was actually just ready to start after going through so many tests and phone calls with the insurance. I just wanted to get the whole thing started. As I was sitting there in that very comfortable recliner with a pillow and a warmed hospital blanket, I noticed almost everyone had a family member sitting by their side. A mother, a daughter, son, husband, wife, friend. It was beautiful and I couldn’t help but feel grateful that I was one of those lucky ones with my husband by my side. All the nurses were nice, I was being taken care of, I was in the right place and with a name like City of Hope, what else could I expect?
It’s been a few hours now since I came home and all I’ve felt is a stomach ache that comes and goes as it pleases. I think the positive reaction my body is having to chemotherapy might have to do with three things: my change in foods, Nina (my therapist), and the decision to open up mind a little in regards to religion. Let me explain.
The first – food – it’s been hard not being able to eat chocolate or ice cream or potato chips or any red meat. Hamburgers look appetizing sometimes. A glass of the orange juice we keep in the refrigerator for you guys seems like an easy choice at times, but I hold back and the reason I do that is because I want to be around for you guys. I want to be around for a long time because I don’t think I’m done here. I think there’s still so much for me to do and so much to see you guys do because I know you guys are gonna do some awesome things. I believe that with all my heart. Just like I believe in what it is I’m here to do, even if sometimes I’m completely confused and don’t know what direction to take. I also do it because I want to set a good example for you guys and I know I fail sometimes but at least in this I want to feel like I’m doing, if not everything right, at least my best. And believe me, I am really doing the best that I can in removing these foods from my diet.
The second – Nina and therapy – has been one of the best things I’ve done for myself and for my family, that is a fact. It’s a slow process, you might see me swing back and forth at times but I’m learning how to pick myself up faster, better, stronger. I’m learning how to let go of the pains of my childhood. It’s not easy, just like the food. I’m learning that the things we really want in life are hardly ever easy. Actually, maybe even never but that is what makes them worthwhile. And when we get there and find out that in that “there” there’s more. I’m learning that that famous search for happiness has no exact answer, no place or time or thing. All it is is a choice. That’s it. We can either choose to be happy or we can choose not to. That’s it. We wake up everyday with the opportunity to make that choice. Happy or not happy? I’m learning that life is not without problems – ever. We all have problem because honestly life would probably be boring without them. The thing is how we deal with them. What we tell ourselves about those problems. Do we blame ourselves? Others? Do we dwell on them day in and day out. What do we tell ourselves about our lives about ourselves? We can either say and think positive things about ourselves and others or we can say and think negative things about ourselves and others. Again, it’s simply a choice we have to make everyday. And it’s hard, yes, but we can keep using “it’s hard” as an excuse for not doing what is best for us and in turn for the world or we can just keep trying. No, we can not do everything perfectly every time, all we can do is try, fail and try again. I think the hardest thing of all, for me at least, has been forgiveness. I think it might be one of the hardest things for many of us. Forgiving, in an unforgiving mind, means letting that person go without the proper punishment. What does that person who hurt you get? How can they just go around life as if they never did anything? What about all the pain they caused you? And then because we can’t forgive those who hurt you, you can’t forgive yourself for the stupid things you did, for the pain you caused to somebody. And you realize that just the way you’re carrying that sense of fault with you, they person you blame might also be carrying that same bag. Unfortunately, sometimes it requires some screaming, some actual speaking up and saying, “You hurt me and I’m mad!” Sometimes it’s the only way to let it go. And sometimes that takes courage or at least the desire to finally not feel the tiredness that anger and resentment cause. That’s it. Or you don’t wait until that moment, you do it simply because you want to be happy and because you simply realize that the person who hurt you was probably also in pain and didn’t know how to deal with it. In the end what has really begun to free me is forgiveness, believe it or not. It’s such a huge weight that has been lifted from me and it feels good. I know that there’s still more work to do but I also know that if I was able to do what seemed impossible, then I am able to do all the other stuff.
And finally – religion. I know that this is a hard subject because of all the things that I’ve believed and maybe still believe because I have a very objective point of view and because I prefer not to follow blindly. I have questions that I might never find an answer to and I finally realized that that will be in any religion if I were to choose to change. Questions will always be there inside of me because I’m just a curious person by nature. But for now, I’ve come to the conclusion that Catholicism is the religion I was born into and that I am a bit lazy and a bit not interested in moving to another religion in which I might end up feeling the same way. I’ll stick with Catholicism because that is where my roots are and because that is where my traditions are. I love altars, I enjoyed doing the forty day chocolate fast this year for Easter, I love the celebrations of the saints of each village. I love nativity sets in Christmas, I love Quinceañeras and the blessings of babies (even if I don’t agree with the Catholic reasons for baptisms). I love all of that. I think I realized that giving that up would be a little like giving up a little of who I am. I might not agree with everything they say or do but I know that every time I walk into that chapel behind the church, I feel safe, I feel like I can think and talk to God in any way I please and He won’t mind. When there is mass I hear singing in the background and my heart sings with them. When I walk out an old lady is kneeling on the center isle, praying, chanting and for some reason I feel connected to her because that is how feel when I’m pleading with God trying to get Him to tell me what it is I’m supposed to do. Although I feel more like spiritual person than a religious one, I do feel like a Catholic church is that physical place, besides my home, where I can practice my spirituality. It feels good to have this place where part of my childhood lies.
So there you go, that is what’s on my mind now. They’re things that are sometimes easier to say in writing than out loud (for me at least) but whatever the case, it is important to say.
Please remember always that I love you and that everything I do – the good, the right, and sometimes the bad and the wrong – I do for you three and of course for me too.