Finally! Chemo is over!

It is! Can you believe it? Yes, I still have to wait for the side effects to subside but that should only take a couple of weeks. Although, you know what I’ve noticed? That my body seems to have gotten used to the chemo infusion every three weeks because just a few days before the third week my mouth starts to feel tender. We’ll see how it goes this time but I’ll try not to think about it too much so that I’m not bringing it on with my thoughts. Anyway, I wanted to let you know how I feel about chemotherapy and the fact that I’m done with it.

First of all, I think I was fortunate in that I thought I was going to go through 16 rounds of it. That’s what I was expecting and trying to get ready for – sixteen! So when, on my fourth round, the nurse said, “Only two more to go!” with a big smile, it felt like a HUGE relief. Not only that but it felt like it went by soooo much faster. I have to admit though, that the last two were the hardest because I knew that I only had two more to go and it seemed that the hands on the clock just wouldn’t go fast enough. But it finally came and no, it’s not over because I still need to go through a Herceptin infusion every three weeks and of course, surgery but I’ll jump through that hoop when I get to it. Right now I want to enjoy the fact that I no longer have to go through the upset stomach and the tired legs and tender mouth and especially, the tasteless food. That’s what I’m happy about right now.

I also want to tell you that I could not be more grateful and fortunate to have the family that God gave me. I’ve had all the support that anybody could want and for that I’m grateful. I know there have been days when it didn’t seem that way, when the housework put me in a bad mood or when your brothers’ screaming was too much or you made me mad or when your dad was too sensitive and made me mad too, it may have seemed as though I couldn’t see the good that was happening in our home or like all of this was going to be so much harder than anybody would have thought but believe I was trying hard every single day. And look at us! We’ve made it through the first part and we’re alive and happy and sometimes mad or sad or whatever but isn’t that every family? And considering what we have been through these past months, I’d say we’re doing awesomely (how do you like my new word?) well, don’t you think?

The last thing I wanted to tell you is that I’ve decided to start a new blog. Remember how you though one my new journals was going to be about the current political/social situation? (Yes, I do NOT want to write his name) Well, no the journal hasn’t been completely about that but I do have to mention it every once in a while. But what you and the journal made me think was that what I want to say, I want to say to others not just to myself. I have a lot of thoughts about everything that is going on and not so much politically but socially because that’s what makes my head feel blubbered. So, yeah, that’s one of the reasons I started the new blog. Another reason is that I needed a platform for my writing because I’ve been stuck with your grandma’s story and haven’t been able to write much about anything else. I need a place where I feel like my writing is serving some sort of purpose. If you go right now, to the new blog ,you’ll notice that I haven’t written about anything serious yet, that’s because I’m a “test the waters first” kind of person, you know that. Besides, writing essays takes a while and although I enjoy writing them, they are not easy to write but you know that already don’t you?

There you go! that’s what’s going on right now and what I hope you take from this is that gratitude is very important. Always be grateful for the little, the medium, and the big people, things and situations that life gives you. Being grateful for the little things though (food, water, warm showers, the window in your room, sight, touch, sound, taste, smell, etc.), that is especially important because it keeps you attentive, grounded, and happy. It takes practice but it is doable, believe me 🙂

As always, I love you very much!

Mom

 

P.S. The new blog address is: esperanzabeltranblog.wordpress.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What I Believe

This is what I believe about you:

I believe that you are a woman whose dreams are worth fighting for, whose dreams are valid, and whose dreams will come true. Why I believe this to be true is because I understand two things. My first understanding is that God has sent each and everyone of us with a job, a mission, to fulfill in this world. My second understanding is that if we don’t believe this about God, ourselves, and humanity, then what else is there to move us forward?

I believe that you are a strong and beautiful woman. Why? For the simple fact that God created you. And created you in that amazing and unique way that is you. I know this to be true because through every tough moment in your life you have and will continue to make it through exactly because of that beauty and strength that God gave you.

One last thing that I believe is that God=Love. You, all of this and everything in this world is fueled by love simply because that is what God is. I know that this might sound cheesy or fufi or whatever but I really believe this. I believe this even though we are constantly tripping, stumbling and picking ourselves up on our way through life. I guess any other way would not be as interesting right?

Oh yes, and don’t forget that you are Loved. Period. Not because, not when, not by, not at. Just Loved.

Sincerely,

Tu mamà

 

Sooo . . .

Let’s pretend I’ve been here all this time, that I didn’t stop writing in this blog for you and let’s start all over again.

Did you notice I changed the picture? I’m sure you did. I was going to use the one you took (which I like better) but that picture is yours and I don’t want to take it from you : ). I love this picture too though. I love the colors and the rusticity of it and I realized that this is the kind of art that I love, the kind of pictures I love to paint (a cream rustic background contrasted with strong punches of color). Have you noticed that? In my writing too is the same (a backdrop that recedes with characters that make everything come alive).

But you know what I love most about this picture? It’s that it reminds me of our mini mother-daughter trip. I had a lot of fun and I hope you did too. I don’t know but I have a feeling it changed a lot of things for you and what you thought you knew about yourself. Like where you come from (meeting new family) and where you want to go (your choice of career). I’m sure, as exciting as it is, it’s also very confusing. And that’s okay, I guess it’s kind of supposed to be that way, otherwise it wouldn’t be fun right?  You might make the right choice or you might not. But really, I don’t think choices are supposed to be right or wrong, what they do is they take you to places that are either good for you or they’re not. Drugs and alcohol -> addiction, unemployment, homelessness.  Education and hard work -> passion, a job, a home. When you decide on your career (because that’s probably one of your main concerns right now) make that decision based on what makes you feel alive and excited, angry even, not on what you think will bring you a higher social status or a nicer house. Those things will come to you all by themselves if you work hard and with passion. Don’t follow the rules, there is no order of how things are supposed to be. There is no first things first. First is what’s inside you. What’s calling you? You’re in a good time right now, you have no responsibilities other than yourself. You can choose to take whichever path you feel is right for you right now. Will that guarantee that everything will be perfect? That your future will be forever bright? No, not really. But at least you won’t be left in the “what if I had . . .” zone. In the “hubiera” place that is so horrible to live in.

Do. Act. Move forward. Have you made mistakes? Yes. Are you making mistakes? Yes. Will you keep on making mistakes? Yes. There’s no way around that but forward. It’s okay to be afraid and angry. Go ahead and be afraid, be angry (anger can be a propeller, but only if you act). So, make choices and act.

I love this quote by Sandra Cisneros:

“. . . anger when it’s used to act, when used nonviolently, has power.”

 

Love,

Mom

OMG!

I AM SO TIRED!

I’ve been cleaning, drilling, ripping off cabinets, painting, cutting wood, and even installing flooring. You name it, I’ve done it or will do it!

Oh, yeah, your dad helps too 😉

I like it though, saves me from having to cook too much. haha!

We’ll probably be painting the living room this weekend. So excited about that.

Oh and can’t wait to show you the office, it’s red, turquoise, and yellow. You’re gonna love it!

Oh, and tomorrow we go to Lila Down’s concert at the Pantages. So excited about that too. I’ll make sure to take lots of pictures for you.

Our neighbors are some little blonde girls that Nauj made Gael say hi to. And then I heard them talking . . .

N: Do you like a girl?

G: Oh a girl? Yeah.

N: What’s her name?

G: I don’t know.

N: Oh. . . Me too

You should’ve heard them. It was so cute.

Watch out with Nauj, he’s growing up.

I haven’t taken any pictures lately but here’s this one that we’re going to buy . . .

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Just to make you laugh a little : )

Love,

Mom

I’m Sorry

I’ve been away for a few days. Between fixing the house, packing and painting the cheer box I haven’t had time for much. But I’m still here 🙂

I haven’t even gone to the writing group and I probably won’t go tomorrow either. Plus, I think I need to keep my writing to myself for a while.

Today I’m going to draw Gael’s animals in his room. He’s so excited. Especially because your dad gave him the idea of painting a different theme on each wall: safari, farm, sea, and insects. But I’m not gonna do that. Unos dos caballos y ya.

No, maybe not just two horses but I’ll have him choose between farm and safari. Although, I think he became a little confused about which animal goes where. He thinks the safari is the zoo and since we went to the zoo when we visited you, and he saw chickens and pigs there, now he thinks chickens and pigs are safari animals (aka zoo animals).

I already tried to explain it to him but his feelings get hurt – you know how he feels about his animals. Lately, everywhere we go he fills his plastic bag with the green trim and his elephant backpack with as many animals as he can carry. He takes them EVERYWHERE. Were you there the day he actually fell back because of the weight of his backpack? He was sitting on a little ledge and the weight pulled him straight back. Haha! Luckily it was only dirt that was behind him and he didn’t get hurt. I wasn’t there but your grandma told me and I’m laughing just imagining it.

This picture is now on my desktop

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You chose a beautiful place to go to college, I really loved it. ❤

And I really love you,

Mom

This Weekend . . .

I’ve been packing a lot lately. I’m almost done. And I thought we didn’t have a lot of stuff. I’m trying to get rid of as much as possible, really. I’m going to try and keep ONLY what we need, I’m gonna get rid of a lot of dishes that have just been sitting there and I’m going to buy only what I REALLY like for the kitchen so it looks cute and that way I will feel like cooking. Not even with a cute kitchen you don’t think I’ll want to cook? Okay, maybe you’re right but I do have to cook anyway and if I have a pretty kitchen then maybe at least it’ll make me want to walk in – and look around : )

Here are some pictures from yesterday’s carne asada at Angeles Forest where the sun was shining and leaves were sprinkling over our heads.

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mmm . . . want some arroz rojo?
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Your dad went crazy and, well . . . can you find him?
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Then we went on a hunt for some treasure and came upon . . .
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A zoo and its zookeeper!
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There was a super tall baby giraffe who was eating a tree . . .
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There was even an octopus that was not in a good mood and attacked your brother, that fight got pretty cray cray!

If this zoo is still around when you come home I’ll take you to it, the zookeeper is pretty awesome, he has all types of animals.

A lot of homework this weekend? Keep up the good work!

Love,

Mom (who loves you very much!)

Yesterday Morning: ahhhhh

Yesterday, after I dropped off your brothers, I decided to go to Panera. I sat there  drinking a green smoothie and eating a cheese pastry. I wrote for a little bit and then went home. And then you know what I did? I sat down on the sofa and turned on the TV. Can you believe that? I didn’t want to but I really needed it.

I started watching Club de Cuervos, it’s a new Netflix series. It started out kind of !!!!! ! like The Wolf of Wallstreet type of !!!!!. I even wanted to cover my eyes but it was just a little piece in the beginning, the rest of the program was actually pretty good. It’s about a brother and sister whose dad owns a soccer team and dies of a heart attack. The son, who is very irresponsible and immature, takes his place as president but the company doesn’t want to give the position to the sister because she’s a woman and her dad wanted her to raise a family. Of course that’s not what she wants, she wants to be president because she’s good at her job. That’s the main issue and then there’s this other drama with the woman their dad was living with and who is about to have a baby . . . DNA test . . . one third of the dad’s fortune . . .

It’s pretty good, might have to bingewatch.

Then I went to sleep. Soooo goooood!

And the rest of the day was busy busy

Today was picture day with Nauj. I ironed his shirt, a collared shirt. I gave it to him, he took it and when we were about to leave and I didn’t see him wearing it I asked him about it.

Yeah, it’s in my backpack.

And he says it like it’s fine, no problem.

Ayayay!

So proud of you, have a good day today 🙂

Love,

Your Má